After 15 years of facing an internal battle, Chris Oldfield is ready to tell his story. The Melbourne Knights goalkeeper opens up to the PFA about his mental health struggles, borne from his time in Liverpool’s academy and his message to those going through a similar experience.
CONTENT WARNING: The following article contains mentions of suicidal ideation that may be triggering for some readers.
What is football’s golden ticket for young players to ‘make it’?
For an individual; some would say it’s drive, motivation, natural skill and a case of being in the right environment. Whether that’s in an academy, having the right coaches and those with the know-how to make young players ‘great’.
But what happens if you tick all those boxes and you still don’t reach your dreams?
Chris Oldfield understands exactly this.
Watch the full feature here
A talented young goalkeeper – who was born and raised in Merseyside – Oldfield was a member of Liverpool’s celebrated youth academy from the age of 11. His dreams were to one day follow the path of those who blazed the trail before him, don the Reds’ famous liver bird on his chest, and be backed by thousands inside Anfield, while standing in-front of a back-drop of red at the famous Kop end.
“We all used to play football on the streets, that’s all in Liverpool you’re meant to do, to play football,” Oldfield recalls to the PFA.
“No other sport was even spoke about so to be even considered to play for a club like this, you were always seen as the star. So when I got signed, I thought I was going to be a footballer, even at 11.
“You go into this environment, the facilities are brilliant, you get given your kit, you get given everything you want.”
But after almost a decade of toiling and constantly chasing the need – set out by his coaches and mentors – to ‘be better’, Oldfield was released by the club at age 19, shortly after signing his first professional contract for the Reds when he was 18.
The harsh realities of youth football, coupled by the lack of support internally, and the need to chase an almost unattainable goal left Oldfield walking alone.
“I still remember the day Liverpool let me go,” Oldfield said.
“I remember driving home crying. I was so sad I was let go. My life just crumbled around me. I remember sitting on the floor in my bedroom and all I remember was thinking “there’s nothing else for me here”.
“When I left none of my teammates reached out, not one of them [called] me. No coach reached out. No one helped me. No one from the club.
“My brother, my sister, my mum, my dad all tried [to help]. But the damage was already in my head, it was the voices constantly just saying all the negative things to me and they were trying to get me out of it.
“But you don’t feel like you’re in the present and the constant voice of: ‘you were never good enough. I told you, you weren’t good enough’ constantly plays in your head. It’s such a dark place to be in.”
Making it to the top level wasn’t just Oldfield’s dream, it was the dream of every young Liverpudlian. It was all he knew.
“It’s so competitive at that age group still. You’ve got coaches at that age telling me I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t working hard enough but I didn’t know any better so I was pushing harder every day, only to be told it’s not good enough,” he said.
“And unfortunately, you always feel like you’re failing.
“I found being at Liverpool for nine years, I was just a number… You’re just a cog in a massive machine and as soon as you’re not wanted you’re thrown away.
“There’s no support after it. It makes you feel like you’re not good enough at anything you do.”
The truth is, the experiences of being constantly told he wasn’t good enough still lingers in his everyday life.
“Coaches telling me this everyday has followed me into my life. Anything I ever do for anyone isn’t good enough,” he said.
“I’ve lost good people around me because I never feel like anything I’m doing is good enough due to that time in my life.”
Since departing the United Kingdom at age 21, Oldfield travelled to the other side of the world and started a new life in Australia, where he’s established himself as one of the best goalkeepers in NPL Victoria over many, many years for the likes of Hume City, Altona Magic, Avondale and now, Melbourne Knights.
But the memories and trauma of what he went through back home has followed him down under.
“I’m 34 now and I’ve carried this burden for so many years and it’s enough,” Oldfield said.
“I’ve carried this burden for so many years and it’s enough. If I didn’t have the resilience I have today, I don’t think I would be here.
“That’s the reality of it. There’s been a few times in my life where I thought about ending it.
“The only good thing about football is that it’s given me strength and a backbone to not give up.”
After seeking professional help, Oldfield is on the path to recovery and hopes to inspire others to follow in the same footsteps.
“I’m on a path to getting better,” he said.
“I’m seeing the relevant doctors… but to me, speaking about it is going to help me. It’s going to let me finally accept who I am, because i’ve been not accepting it for many years. I’ve been naive to it.
“There’s many players out there who are going through the same thing as me and they are doing nothing about it.
“My message would be to talk about it and just reach out… To me, the only way to get over it is to accept it and move forward. Moving forward is hard but football is a beautiful game and it will give you a lot of determination to keep moving forward.
“But also seek help from the PFA or anyone else… It’s okay, to not be okay.”
Crisis Support
- Lifeline: 13 11 14 (24/7 crisis support)
- Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467 (24/7 support for those feeling suicidal)
- Kids Helpline: 1800 551 800 (for young people)
- Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636 (for anxiety and depression)
- MensLine Australia: 1300 789 978 (for men)
